Science Experiments

That's what children are, right? I mean, you can look up anything you could possibly want to know in a book or online but the fact of the matter is that every baby is different.

I don't want to talk about that right now. What I want to talk about is the dirty little secret that nobody wants you to know about babies. They way your relationship changes after the birth of your child(ren).

That's right. I'm talking about poop.

When you're at the hospital they tell you what you should expect as far as what a "good poop" is. For example: my wife is breastfeeding so the poop should be a little watery, light green in color and slightly seedy (I have yet to figure out where the seeds come from). I've found myself changing my daughter's diaper and saying - out loud with no other adult present - "Hey, that's a really great poopy!" And the kid just looks up at me like Eddie Izzard's cat thinking, "Interesting words."

Anyway I've reached the point where I feel like I should have a lab coat, a pair of goggles and a clipboard when changing a diaper. "So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel? " Or perhaps turning to an assistant (might I suggest Liz Vassey from C.S.I. if your wife isn't available) and saying, "Get this back to the lab for analysis right away. We need to know exactly what we're dealing with here."

Actually it's been more like, "Ooh, congratulations, sweetie. That's got good consistency and perfect coloring throughout. Let's take a picture of it and mark it on the graph."